Act I: Ships Blown Off Course
LONG FADE TO
A black screen with the title (possibly against seasonal backgrounds or
graphics):
BOB (OS)
How do you want me?
13. INT. JUNE'S PAINTING STUDIO--DAY
FADE UP
Bob is seen from the armpits up and the only sign of clothing is a white sheet
slumped over one of his shoulders.
JUNE (OS)
However's natural.
PULL BACK to reveal Bob seated in the middle of June's painting studio. He is
perched on a one-foot high elevated platform and is dressed in a home made
version of Aeneas' Greek costume.
BOB
This is completely unnatural.
PULL BACK to reveal June at an easel getting ready to paint.
JUNE
Stop whining. What are you bringing to my party
tonight?
BOB
Corn palace surprise. Hey, I invited some people
from the office. How's this?
JUNE
Doesn't look natural. Didn't you make that for me
once?
BOB
Yeah.
JUNE
With cornbread on top?
BOB
You remember!
JUNE
Maybe you should bring something else.
BOB
(giving the correct official signal)
Unnecessary roughness! Fifteen yard penalty!
How's this?
JUNE
Spice it up. Let your inner goddess show.
Bob assumes a more contorted pose. Unsatisfied, June comes over to Bob and
begins to pose him herself. She tries various configurations.
BOB
Feel free to express yourself.
JUNE
(responding to Bob's pose and not his
remark)
No...That won't do.
She keeps trying. Bob straightens her hair behind her ear. Finally she
stands back and regards him objectively.
JUNE (CONT.)
With that sheet on, your body says nothing. You'll
have to pose nude.
BOB
Dream on, June.
14. INT. BUTCHER SHOP--DAY
Ding-a-ling goes the shop bell as Rick enters a small butcher shop. The
butcher, ROSIE, is a 60-year old, motherly woman, strong yet compassionate.
ROSIE
Rick, love, what can I do for you?
RICK
I've got a dinner party--what's good today?
ROSIE
I just got in a salami from Genoa--so good it'll make
you cry.
RICK
Rosie, these are sophisticated people.
ROSIE
Who are they?
RICK
We met at an opera.
ROSIE
Maybe a nice glazed pheasant under jar?
Rosie gestures to a glass bell-jar cover on a plate with a note reading "Put
Your Meat Here."
RICK
Always with the jars, Rosie. Always the jars.
ROSIE
How about lemon-marinated chicken breasts?
RICK
Free range?
ROSIE
Of course.
RICK
OK then.
Rosie pulls two full chickens from the counter and efficiently cuts off all
four breasts. She wraps the meat. Meanwhile, Rick looks around the butcher
shop. His gaze stops on two small plastic chairs along the wall and the
assorted collection of wedding photos above them.
ROSIE (OS)
Bake at 350, dice, and serve over saffron rice with
roasted tomatoes on the side. Will Suzanne be there?
RICK
(turning to face Rosie)
Suzanne and I are all washed up.
ROSIE
Oh Dio!...Rick, not again! My food, it is love, and I
give it to you freely. But you use it to woo a
different woman each time.
(waving a chicken breast at him)
Settle down Rick. Settle down.
RICK
I try Rosie. You know I try.
ROSIE
Does the carrot love the onion?...
RICK
Rosie, no!...
ROSIE
...No...of course not...not at first.
RICK
...Not the carrot and the onion!
Rick reaches for the wrapped chicken in Rosie's hands, but she puts it out of
his reach behind the counter and grabs a carrot and an onion.
ROSIE
Sit down, Rick. Sit down!
(Rick sits in one of the plastic chairs)
It starts out, maybe it's a great carrot, it's a great
onion. But they don't go together. You start to stew
them, it takes time.
(Rick mouths "it takes time" with Rosie
and then again a second time)
Then, they start to grow on each other--he adds to
the onion; the onion, she makes the carrot strong.
But you--what do you know about waiting for a
stew? Always in too much hurry to eat.
(she snaps the carrot into two, Rick winces,
she hands over the meat)
That'll be $ 16.89.
15. INT. VANESSA'S OVEN--DAY
A small square of light is in the middle of a dark screen. Vanessa's face
appears in the square. She reaches up to a handle out of view and pulls
down, and, as the door opens, we realize the POV is from inside an oven.
VANESSA
Shit! It fell.
DENNIS (OS)
How bad is it?
VANESSA
Bad enough. Call and tell them we'll be late.
Dennis appears next to Vanessa.
DENNIS
Ooh, it looks delicious, sweetheart.
(he takes a hot finger full)
Ow...
(putting the finger full in his mouth)
...mmm, it's fine, let's just take it and go.
VANESSA
It'll take an hour to make a new one.
Vanessa disappears from view.
DENNIS
(taking another finger full)
Ow...mmm.
VANESSA (OS)
Run next door and borrow another egg.
DENNIS
Look, just pour a jar of Shmucker's into the crater
and call it a jelly roll. They won't know the
difference.
VANESSA
(reappearing)
An egg, darling.
DENNIS
OK, we'll stop at Federico's and buy a cake.
VANESSA
But I said I would bake a cake.
Change to a POV outside the oven.
DENNIS
Who are these people again?
VANESSA
I met them at the opera when you were in Chicago.
DENNIS
Honey, they don't care. I'll call Federico's.
VANESSA
Dennis, I love you deeply, but if you don't stop
making me crazy I will shoot you.
(she kisses his cheek)
An egg, darling.
Vanessa walks off screen.
16. INT. JUNE'S APARTMENT--NIGHT
June (in a witch's costume, including a carrot nose) opens her front door to
reveal Dennis and Vanessa. Vanessa holds a cake box marked "Federico's." A
cardboard skeleton is taped to the door.
JUNE
Federico's! I love their cakes.
Dennis and Vanessa enter.
VANESSA
I hope we're not too early?
June is having a dinner party. There is a Halloween decor, and about one-
third of the guests are in costume. Among them is a gorilla. On the buffet
table we see a variety of dishes ready to be served and eaten. We see Rick's
hands putting his dish on the table, and we can just barely hear him say,
RICK (OS)
Diced chicken over saffron rice with a side of
tomatoes.
In the background we see Bob seated on the sofa with a few other people.
Bob is playing the guitar and singing a folksy tune.
NOTE: Shallow End of the Gene Pool, ©1987 Emily Kaitz. Used by
permission.
BOB
(singing)
My daddy was a man of letters
My momma was a head of state,
They went and got their chromosomes together
And gave me all of the recessive traits.
I'm an embarrassment to evolution
My disposition is unstable and cruel,
My blood's a catastrophic blend
Cause I'm from the shallow end of the gene pool.
Next to the buffet table stands JULIE ANNE and the gorilla (MARTHA).
MARTHA
(almost inaudible)
Who's that with the guitar?
JULIE ANNE
What?
Martha takes off her gorilla head.
MARTHA
Who's that with the guitar?
JULIE ANNE
That's just Bob--the guy from my office.
MARTHA
He's good.
JULIE ANNE
He sounds kind of like one of the Traveling
Wilburys.
MARTHA
The cute one?
At the sofa, Bob continues to sing.
BOB (CONT.)
(singing)
My IQ is a negative number
I got a sense of humor no one can stand,
And my development was seriously encumbered
By a deficient thyroid gland.
I'm a social director's nightmare
At dinner parties I just babble and drool,
It's not easy making friends
When you're from the shallow end of the gene pool.
At a nearby bar Rick busily mixes two colorful, fruity drinks which he tops
with paper umbrellas. When finished, with drinks in hand, Rick sets out
searching for women.
BOB (CONT.)
(singing)
I'm from the shallow end of the gene pool
My X-rays make the doctors laugh,
One time they tried to chart my EEG waves
But I wasn't even on the graph.
Rick approaches Julie Anne and Martha and offers them his drinks. They
turn him down.
BOB (CONT.)
(singing)
Now biological research is booming
They're making breakthroughs like you wouldn't believe,
They say genetic alterations in humans
Will someday soon be a reality.
MARTHA
If you'll excuse me.
Martha walks away. She heads to the sofa and starts harmonizing with Bob.
Rick, still holding both drinks, turns to Julie Anne. She too exits.
BOB (CONT.)
(singing)
They're gonna give me a DNA transplant
They're gonna rearrange my molecules,
Some natural laws will have to bend
To get me from the shallow end of the gene pool.
June comes around the corner. She turns down his drink.
RICK
(gesturing toward Bob)
So what's the attraction?
JUNE
I don't know. Bob is...everything you're not.
RICK
And what am I?
JUNE
You tell me?
RICK
I'm, um, focused.
JUNE
Yes, continue.
RICK
It's your turn now.
JUNE
What do I think you are? How about...egocentric.
RICK
Good, I like the sound of that.
JUNE
I thought you would.
RICK
You got the wrong idea. I'm not Don Juan
reincarnated.
Enter VERONICA.
VERONICA
Oh my God! Rick!
RICK
Veronica!
(he gives her an awkward kiss)
What are you doing here?
VERONICA
A little trick or treating...I see you have a new
friend. And how long have you two been together?
JUNE
We're not dating.
RICK
Veronica, June. June...Veronica.
VERONICA
Oh, sorry. Well, I won't interrupt.
JUNE
Actually, maybe you could help. We're listing
adjectives to describe Rick.
VERONICA
How fun! What do you have so far?
RICK
(simultaneously with June)
Focused.
JUNE
(simultaneously with Rick)
Egocentric.
VERONICA
Egocentric. Hmm, good. How about transparent?
RICK
Actually...
JUNE
Shallow.
VERONICA
Deluded.
JUNE
Ooh? Give me the details.
The two women walk off talking and laughing, leaving Rick standing there
looking dumb.
FADE TO
The buffet table and people serving themselves platefuls of food. We see
gorilla arms filling a plate. Rick's chicken is popular.
FADE TO
Dennis reclines in a confident pose with one leg crossed over the other. Bob
and Rick sit across from him, they sit more forward and upright. One of
Rick's colorful, fruity drink topped with an umbrella rests un-drunk in
Dennis's hand. Another similar drink nearly finished rests in Rick's hand.
Bob and Rick's plates still have food and they eat during the following.
DENNIS
(relaxed, not preachy but pompous)
No, no, no...Really, I'm telling you, you're both
wasting your time running around on dates...The
movies, the opera, coffeehouses, soon there's
nothing left for you. Women don't want
romance...Well, sure...up front they do, but what
they truly crave is a sense of security, some
direction, something they can hold on to. They want
to be part of a team. Take Van and I for example:
when we met I was still working my way through
law school--studio apartment, TV dinners--I was a
mess; and she was all over the place too--didn't know
what she wanted to do, where she wanted to
live...She was a ship at sea. But now we work
together--she doesn't have to worry about her
future because we know where we're going. And
because she's there supporting me, I'm able to spend
time building a better life for the both of us...Now
that's what relationships are all about.
Dennis tastes the colorful, fruity drink in his hand.
DENNIS (CONT.)
Mmm, tasty.
Across the room we see Vanessa and June sitting and eating together.
JUNE
So you're trading passion for security.
VANESSA
No! I don't consider it a tradeoff. Dennis can still be
very romantic, when he puts his mind to it.
Anyway, it's worth it because he's doing what's best
for both of us. They're talking about making him
partner at his firm, and when that happens I'm sure
we'll be happy.
JUNE
Was he romantic when you first met?
VANESSA
In Boston we were always together, always doing
things. Now...Well, we'll start a family soon, and
we'll really come together then.
Bob and Rick have just left Dennis and are on their way to the kitchen with
their dishes.
RICK
Sounds like he's having trouble in bed. I guess it's
inevitable in a long-term relationship.
Back to Vanessa and June.
VANESSA
Don't you want security?
Staying with the women, the SCREEN SPLITS to reveal Bob and Rick entering
the kitchen and beginning to do dishes. June and Vanessa remain seated and
continue eating.
VANESSA & BOB
(simultaneously)
What do you look for in a relationship?
FADE TO
A white screen with the title:
What do you look for in a relationship?
FADE TO
A SERIES OF SHOTS of one person at a time at their location in June's dinner
party, speaking directly to the camera.
JUNE
He has to speak to a place deep within me, to the
womb of my creative passion.
RICK
I can't say. It's ineffable. It's that "Je ne sais quois."
VANESSA
I need a man who will be there for me.
BOB
Umm, I guess she should be smart.
DENNIS
I like a team player.
VERONICA
Someone who's not deluded.
MARTHA
(in gorilla costume from neck down)
I'm just looking for a guy who has a clue.
JULIE ANNE
Oh, you mean dating. I gave that up a long time ago.
RICK
No, I really can't tell you. I never know who I'm
going to fall for.
JUNE & VANESSA
(simultaneously)
He has to communicate.
JUNE
And he has to be trainable.
BOB
And I guess she should be fun.
RICK
I can't put it into words. A spark, a little bit of fire.
Large breasts don't hurt, either.
VANESSA
Sex should be passionate and tender.
JUNE
Sex should unlock some doors; take me to new places.
RICK
Sex.
BOB
(after a beat)
She should know Harpo from Zeppo.
FADE TO
Bob and Rick are doing dishes in the kitchen.
RICK
You should see what you're missing. Why don't you
do it with June?
BOB
No thanks.
RICK
What is it you're afraid of?
BOB
Nothing! June and I have a good thing going; why
mess it up with sex?
RICK
(putting a suds-covered hand around
Bob's shoulder)
I've got a lot to teach you about love.
June enters and dumps a stack of dishes on the counter in front of Rick.
June may be a little tipsy.
JUNE
Well, well, well, what is this? The blind leading the
blind. What ever he's saying, Bob, don't listen to
him. Rick doesn't know the first thing about love.
RICK
(looking at June)
Don't listen to her Bob, she's bluffing.
JUNE
My chat with Veronica was very enlightening.
RICK
(to Bob)
OK, so she may know something.
(to June)
But Veronica was emotionally charged by our break
up.
JUNE
So you think you're a great lover, well you only got
the half of it.
RICK
Which half?
JUNE
Sex. Sensuality, passion, spark, fire, pizzazz.
RICK
Did Veronica say that?
JUNE
What about friendship, Rick? What about art and
literature, and Marx Brothers videos, or long phone
calls late at night?
Rick fakes a huge yawn.
BOB
We do those things.
June turns, startled from having forgotten that Bob was there. She
contemplates him for a moment.
JUNE
I stand corrected. It's not the blind leading the
blind, rather its the one-eyed leading the one-eyed.
You two make quite a team.
June exits. Bob and Rick exchange a long glance. Bob covers one of his eyes
and looks around.
As June crosses the living room she passes Martha who is chatting with
Veronica.
MARTHA
Sex is satisfying about half the time. A pint of
coffee ice cream is satisfying 100% of the time.
Back to the kitchen and the sink of dirty dishes.
RICK
Do you think she's right?
BOB
June? Probably.
RICK
I can't help the way I am--it's my fate.
BOB
No, it's DNA. Short, unsatisfying relationships are a
good evolutionary strategy. It keeps the gene pool
well-mixed. I teach a course on it.
RICK
Fate or DNA, either way I'm doomed to be with
Aeneas on that ship to Rome.
BOB
To continue your heroic journey, leaving Dido
crying on the shores of Carthage.
They clean dishes together for a moment. Rick comes across a brandy
snifter. He cleans it then sets it aside.
RICK
If evolution makes us this way, why aren't you out
there mixing the gene pool?
BOB
I'm a failed experiment of nature. I'll never
reproduce. I'm dead wood on the evolutionary tree.
They clean a few more dishes for a moment.
RICK
We could defy the gods.
BOB
And be who we're not.
Rick finds a bottle of brandy and fills the snifter.
RICK
Yes...you try to be like me and I'll be like you.
Together we'll beat our destines.
Bob pours himself a glass of milk.
BOB
And defy the god.
They toast to each other.
Dennis and Vanessa are seated by themselves (to the extent that's possible in
a crowded party).
VANESSA
Dennis, let's take a romantic vacation. No phones,
no faxes, just the two of us.
DENNIS
You know I can't get away right now.
VANESSA
Let's start a family.
Bob and Rick exit the kitchen and enter the living room. They begin to move
through a CROWD OF PEOPLE at the party. Rick is out front leading Bob. Rick
swirls a small amount brandy in the bottom of his snifters while Bob carries
his milk.
They stop and focus on various woman. From a hand-held CAMERA, the POV
is that of Bob.
BOB (OS)
Let's get this over with.
RICK
It should be easy--there are lots of women here.
BOB (OS)
Maybe no one here is right for me.
The CAMERA settles on June.
RICK (OS)
You won't reconsider June?
BOB (OS)
No. I mean, June is beautiful and intelligent and
witty and fun and exciting,
(the CAMERA turns to face Rick)
but I'm just not interested.
RICK
I see.
The CAMERA returns to the crowd and Bob and Rick move on until they spot
Vanessa.
RICK (OS) (CONT.)
Vanessa! How about her?
BOB (OS)
(again the CAMERA turns to Rick)
What are you talking about? She's married.
RICK
Inexperienced and moral. You're making this
harder than I thought.
The CAMERA advances and settles on Julie Anne.
RICK (OS) (CONT.)
Do you know her? She's hot, in a librarian sort of
way.
BOB (OS)
That's just Julie Anne.
(again the camera turns to Rick)
She a professor in my department.
RICK
Excellent. A little interoffice romance.
BOB (OS)
I'm not ready for that.
The CAMERA advances and settles on Veronica.
RICK (OS)
Veronica! Perfect. She'll show you what you've
been missing.
BOB (OS)
Not my type.
Moving on the CAMERA settles on Martha, still in her gorilla costume but
without the head.
RICK (OS)
Ooh! Who's that?
BOB (OS)
Martha Harris.
RICK (OS)
I'd swing through a few trees with her.
BOB (OS)
No.
The CAMERA begins to pan away.
RICK (OS)
Come on, what are you looking for?
The CAMERA pans back to Martha.
BOB (OS)
Hmm. Maybe. No, I don't think so.
The CAMERA begins to pan away. Rick intercepts it and leads Bob closer to
Martha.
RICK
Why not? Give me a good reason, for once.
The CAMERA pans back to Martha and holds. She looks engaging and
appealing.
BOB (OS)
OK, OK. Martha.
The FRAME FREEZES on Martha. We HEAR printing clacking noises and the
following computer script appears on screen:
Subject: Martha Harris
Age: 32
Objective: Become romantically involved
BOB (OS) (CONT.)
What's the next step?
The CAMERA pans to Rick.
RICK
You ask her out for dinner.
BOB (OS)
Right.
RICK
Later you take her some place fun and romantic.
BOB (OS)
Right.
RICK
Then you jump all over her.
BOB (OS)
That's not the deal.
RICK
OK, OK. You become "romantically involved." But
my advice is to sleep with her.
BOB (OS)
That takes care of me. Now for you.
The POV changes from that of Bob to that of Rick. The CAMERA begins to pan
around in the opposite direction.
RICK (OS)
Do we have to do this now?
(a beat later)
Friendship, friendship, friendship...How about
Martha? She's a hot little primate.
The CAMERA zips back to Martha. Bob intercepts.
BOB
No. That hot little primate is taken.
RICK (OS)
Easy, all I'm after is friendship.
The CAMERA advances and settles on Veronica. She waves to Rick.
VERONICA
Hey guys!
RICK (OS)
Hey Veronica,
(to Bob)
Nope, been there.
The CAMERA advances and settles on Julie Anne.
BOB(OS)
Dr. Julie Anne Barish.
RICK (OS)
No. She's too...
BOB(OS)
Smart?
RICK (OS)
Intellectual.
The CAMERA moves through the crowd and settles on Vanessa.
BOB (OS)
How about Vanessa?
RICK (OS)
What are you talking about? She's married!
Bob steps in front of Rick and into the frame.
BOB
Friendship, Rick.
RICK (OS)
Husbands don't like you to be friends with their
wives.
The CAMERA moves on and settles on June.
BOB (OS)
Ooh. June.
RICK (OS)
No!
The CAMERA begins to pan away.
BOB
Why not? She's the obvious choice.
The CAMERA returns to June.
RICK (OS)
Maybe...No, we don't get along.
(the CAMERA begins to pan away)
She beats up on me.
Bob intercepts Rick and leads him closer to June.
BOB
June beats up on everyone. It means she cares.
Rick, use your head. She's perfect.
The CAMERA comes back to June, and holds. June looks mysterious and
appealing. She puts the carrot back on her nose.
RICK (OS)
OK, OK, June.
The FRAME FREEZES on June. We HEAR printing clacking noises and the
following computer script appears on screen:
Subject: June Davies
Age: 30
Objective: Develop a friendship
After printing the last line of script, the cursor backs up, erasing
"friendship" and in its place prints "platonic friendship."
RICK (OS) (CONT.)
What's the next step?
The CAMERA pans to Bob.
BOB
You ask her to be friends in a non-sexual context.
RICK (OS)
Right.
BOB
You do some cultural things together.
RICK (OS)
Right. Then I jump all over her.
BOB
That's not the deal.
RICK (OS)
OK, OK. Friendship. No sex. This is so unnatural.
VANESSA (OS)
What are you Henry Higgins's up to?
At the sound of her voice the CAMERA' swings around 180 degrees to reveal
Vanessa standing a few feet away. The POV is no longer that of Rick. Bob and
Rick are seen together. Rick is still swirling his brandy and Bob still has his
milk.
From the sofa, June rises and walks toward them.
RICK
Nothing.
BOB
We've made a deal.
RICK
She doesn't need to know about it.
BOB
Of course she does--she's our referee.
JUNE
(arriving)
You three look awfully suspicious all huddled over
here.
VANESSA
So what's this deal?
BOB
We're challenging our fates.
RICK
We're defying our DNA. We're not getting on the
boat for Rome.
VANESSA
What does that mean?
BOB
I'm gonna have a romantic relationship.
JUNE
With who?!
Bob looks off toward Martha. June's and Vanessa's gaze follows. June is
angrily dumbfounded.
RICK
And I'm gonna have a platonic relationship.
Rick stares and smiles at June. Bob joins him in looking at June. Catching
on, Vanessa turns to June and quietly laughs.
JUNE
Oh, no!
June's kitchen:
Bob, Rick, June, and Vanessa continue their discussion in private.
RICK
So we can't make love?
JUNE
Of course not!
RICK
Just checking. And we can't kiss?
VANESSA
Maybe on the cheek.
RICK
Hug?
BOB
If you flap your angel wings.
RICK
What?
BOB
Hug me.
RICK
What?
BOB
Hug me.
Rick hugs Bob.
BOB
See how your hands are flapping? That's a platonic
hug.
FADE TO BLACK
17. INT. STUDIO
FADE UP
A WOMAN is standing speaking directly to the CAMERA.
RICK'S EX-GIRLFRIEND #1
Yeah, I dated Rick. When we met, I was tending bar
at Federico's. He bought his buddies a beer, and on
the credit card slip, where you're supposed to put
the tip, he wrote his phone number. Looking back,
I'd rather have the money. It was a fun three
months, but, come on, you could never really trust a
guy like that.
18. EXT. SCULPTURE GARDEN--DAY
We HEAR opera music from Echo Dance of the Furies. June is standing by a
large sculpture. Rick approaches and gives her a hug with angel flaps.
The music drops in volume and we hear Rick answer his phone. We continue
to see scenes of June and Rick frolicking at the sculpture garden.
RICK (VO)
Hello.
VANESSA (VO)
This is your referee--tell me how it went.
RICK (VO)
Vanessa, this is private.
VANESSA (VO)
Come on, dish--or do I have to beat it out of you?
RICK (VO)
All right, so, we looked at sculpture. We talked about
breasts, we talked about buttocks, and we talked
about penises.
VANESSA (VO)
As friends?
RICK (VO)
Yes, as friends.
VANESSA (VO)
So how do you feel about her?
RICK (VO)
Fine. I find her pretentious art criticism
rather...stimulating.
VANESSA (VO)
Stimulating? Rick, stop defining everything in
terms of sex.
RICK (VO)
What is this? You sound like June.
19. INT. RICK'S APARTMENT & VANESSA'S HOME--NIGHT
A SPLIT SCREEN reveals Rick talking on the phone to Vanessa.
VANESSA
I just want to know what you're experiencing.
RICK
Why this fascination with our lives? Doesn't Dennis
keep you entertained?
VANESSA
Dennis is in Chicago.
RICK
Again? Sounds like he doesn't appreciate what he
has in D.C.
VANESSA
He's off earning an obscene amount of money,
which he uses to buy me nice toys.
RICK
Listen, why don't I come over and make us some
cappuccino?
VANESSA
Rick, I'm off-limits.
RICK
Just as well. You're not really my type anyway.
FADE TO BLACK
20. INT. STUDIO
FADE UP
A different WOMAN is standing speaking directly to the CAMERA.
BOB'S EX-GIRLFRIEND #1
Yeah, I dated Bob. Sort of. We met in college. I was
having trouble in class and, well, Bob always got the
best marks. That's how it started. It didn't take long
to realize that he had never dated before. Our first
date, the rodeo, he brought along his sister. I was
hoping we might work up to kissing, but he wasn't
ready for that.
21. INT. BOB'S APARTMENT--NIGHT
Bob is dressed for an evening out, except for the tie which Rick is helping
him select.
BOB
How about this?
RICK
Definitely not that one.
BOB
What did you do with June today?
RICK
We looked at some French sculptures...Here.
(Rick hands him a tie, Bob doesn't like it)
So do you have reservations? Where are you taking
her?
BOB
The Red Lobster on Lee Highway.
(holding up two ties)
RICK
What!
BOB
Did I mention I have a coupon?
RICK
You can't take her there! Go to Federico's!
BOB
(still holding the ties)
No. Too expensive.
RICK
It's also very romantic.
(Rick points to one of the ties Bob is holding)
You spend a little up front but it pays off in the long
run.
22. EXT. & INT. CHEAP RESTAURANT--NIGHT
Rick's lecture continues as we see Bob and Martha entering a restaurant
nicer than the Red Lobster, but not Federico's. Bob tries to follow Rick's
advice: he politely follows Martha to the table and pulls out her chair and
then takes a seat himself. Bob then makes her switch when he realizes it's
the "wrong" chair.
BOB (VO)
OK, I'll take her some place appropriate.
Note: we did not record the above line.
RICK (VO)
And remember, she sits facing out, you sit facing
the wall. This way your eyes won't wander.
BOB (VO)
My eyes? What?
RICK (VO)
Women like it when you look only at them--what
you're trying to convey is absolute adoration.
Bob stares at Martha. She becomes a little uncomfortable.
BOB (VO)
This wooing, it sounds complex.
RICK (VO)
One more thing, don't start to eat before she starts.
Just sit there and focus on her, not your food. And
for heavens' sakes, make interesting conversation.
The sound switches to the restaurant. After a moment of uncomfortable
silence, Bob tells Martha a joke. During the joke, we hear Martha's thoughts.
BOB
I read a funny joke on the internet today. A
scientist comes across a frog and the frog says to
him "Kiss me and I'll become a...
BOB (CONT.)
(simultaneously with Martha)
...beautiful princess and I'll love you forever." The
scientist is interested so he puts the frog in a box
and takes it with him. The next day the frog again
says "Kiss me and I'll become a beautiful princess
and I'll love you forever." This continues several
more times when finally the frog asks "Why won't
you kiss me?..."
MARTHA (VO)
(simultaneously with Bob)
Why is he staring at me?...Do I have food on my
face? Maybe it's the linguine? Now that would be
funny--Linguine Lips. Umm, that sauce was good,
and so inexpensive...Can I get the recipe?...Kiss me?
Why does he keep saying I should kiss him. Hmm,
that could be fun with linguine on my face.
BOB (CONT.)
...And the guy says "I'm a scientist. I don't have time
for romance, but a talking frog, now that's special!"
MARTHA (VO)
That's a very nice tie.
FADE TO BLACK
23. INT. DOWNTOWN RESTAURANT--MIDDAY
Rick and Bob are lunching together. They're dressed in business attire. Rick
is pouring a beer from a pitcher.
RICK
Round One--how did it go with Martha?
BOB
It was a complete disaster.
June and Vanessa enter the same restaurant. They're also dressed in
business attire. The hostess escorts them directly past Rick and Bob's table.
As they walk by:
VANESSA
(to June)
You made it through the first round--how are you
finding Rick?
JUNE
Rick's a sexy guy. He's a bit weak on art history, but
I think he's trainable.
June and Vanessa continue around to a table adjacent to Bob and Rick,
separated by a large divider.
RICK
What's the matter? What went wrong?
BOB
Nothing went wrong. Nothing went right. I didn't
know what to do.
June and Vanessa have been seated at their table.
VANESSA
Have you talked with Bob?
JUNE
He tells me his stomach hurt and he was emitting an
unpleasant odor.
VANESSA
I think Bob may be barking up the wrong tree.
JUNE
I think Bob lacks a barker.
Back to Rick and Bob.
BOB
I think I may be barking up the wrong tree.
RICK
You got the possum treed, just keep barking.
BOB
I don't know how to do it. I tried all your
techniques, but I just got confused.
RICK
Forget the techniques; the important thing is to be
yourself. A woman will fall for you if you're
genuine. She'll fall for you faster if you're genuine
and use the techniques.
Over to June and Vanessa's table.
JUNE
Rick, on the other hand, has an enormous barker.
VANESSA
Yes...but what's under the fur and the studded
collar?
JUNE
He strikes me as a slobbering black lab hiding in the
skin of a Doberman pinscher.
VANESSA
Well, make sure he's had his shots.
24. INT. STUDIO
FADE UP
Veronica is standing speaking directly to the CAMERA.
VERONICA (RICK'S EX-GIRLFRIEND #2)
Rick? Been there...What's this for?...There's not
much to say, really. Rick is a low-down, slicked
back, gold chain and tight white t-shirt wearing,
Trans-Am driving, fuzzy-dice hanging...
25. INT. NICE RESTAURANT--NIGHT
A waiter carries two soup to a table where Rick and June are seated. Rick is
sitting across from June and with only a view of the wall behind her.
JUNE
Puccini is like taking a date to the carnival; Purcell
is a moonlit boat ride under the stars.
RICK
But Puccini's soprano arias are fantastic.
JUNE
Sopranos are like salt--a little is good for seasoning
but too much gives you high blood pressure.
She hands him the salt shaker.
RICK
Thank you. I don't mind if I do.
While Rick is salting...
JUNE
Oh, dear...Puccini soup!
RICK
(pushing his bowl aside)
Puccini's Madam Butterfly is the second-greatest
opera ever composed.
June quietly unscrews the lid to the pepper shaker.
JUNE
Oh? What's the greatest?
RICK
You should know that. Our own Dido and Aeneas by
Purcell.
June screws the led back on and sets down the pepper shaker.
JUNE
By the way, that's a great tie.
Rick stops salting and looks up at June.
RICK
Thank you.
June lightly pushes on her plate. This moves all the dishes on the table
forward including Rick's entree which nears the table's edge.
26. INT. STUDIO
VERONICA is still going.
VERONICA (RICK'S EX-GIRLFRIEND #2)
...Kenny G.-playing, light dimming, inflatable doll
using...
27. INT. NICE RESTAURANT--MOMENTS LATER
A waiter serves Rick and June their entrees.
JUNE
Tell me plain and simple, why did you dump the
woman from the opera?
RICK
Suzanne? It was fate.
JUNE
Grow up Rick.
RICK
Just look at history: Aeneas had to leave Dido, Hamlet
had to jilt Ophelia, and Bogie had to ditch Ingrid
Bergman.
JUNE
Bogart did not have to ditch Ingrid...
Again June begins to push on her plate and again all the plates move
forward. Rick's entree teeters on the edge over his lap.
JUNE (CONT.)
...Furthermore, I thought you guys were
challenging your fate with this little deal of yours.
RICK
We are.
28. INT. STUDIO
VERONICA is still on a roll.
VERONICA (RICK'S EX-GIRLFRIEND #2)
...A two-timing, thick-as-slime, dirt-eating, loser.
29. INT. NICE RESTAURANT--MOMENTS LATER
RICK
Bob's a good guy, but he has the emotional depth of a
cookie sheet.
JUNE
Quit picking on Bob.
RICK
Tomorrow, he's taking Martha to a church. What
kind of strategy is that?
JUNE
He may surprise you.
RICK
I think the man was born without an ounce of
romance in his soul.
June readies herself by placing her hands on her plate. She is all set to
push.
JUNE
And only you can save him, right?
RICK
No. Not at all. I think a good woman can help him
more than I can.
Surprised, June pulls on the table cloth which brings Rick's plate back from
the edge.
JUNE
Really? How do you figure?
RICK
I think he'll be OK once Martha gets him in bed.
Jumping into action, June's hands give a final big push which sends Rick's
plate plummeting into his lap.
29.5 INT. STUDIO
VERONICA finishes.
VERONICA (RICK'S EX-GIRLFRIEND #2)
...We had a good three months together.
FADE TO BLACK
30. INT. STUDIO
FADE UP
Another WOMAN is standing speaking directly to the CAMERA.
BOB'S EX-GIRLFRIEND #2
I kept wanting Bob to ask me out, but he never
picked up on my affections.
(she is joined by three children)
I could have loved him...been happy with him. I
think. I guess it was fate...We never even kissed.
31. INT. NATIONAL CATHEDRAL--AFTERNOON
Bob and Martha are on their second date at the National Cathedral. They are
on a group tour of the facilities. We hear Bob and June on the phone.
BOB (OS)
I used a new strategy--I just tried to be myself.
JUNE (OS)
Who did you try to be the first time?
BOB (OS)
Rick, I guess.
JUNE (OS)
Heaven help you. And this time you were Bob. Did
you have fun?
BOB (OS)
I don't know. But I mapped her response function.
JUNE (OS)
What?
BOB (OS)
For example, talking about my research gets a low
response. Talking about art and literature, she pegs
the meter. Maximum eye contact, maximum
touching.
JUNE (OS)
But how do you feel about her?
32. INT. BOB'S APARTMENT & JUNE'S APARTMENT--NIGHT
Bob and June are on the phone. Bob sits in front of his computer and is
colored by the glow from it's screen.
BOB
I haven't worked that part out yet. I don't know, I
don't base any of my other relationships on
feelings.
JUNE
Really?
BOB
Feelings aren't why I have relationships.
JUNE
I'm beginning to take this personally.
BOB
What?
JUNE
How do you feel about me, Bob?
BOB
I love you as a friend.
JUNE
What does that mean? Why are you my friend?
BOB
You? I guess because you have experiences and
insights that I find--enlightening.
JUNE
So all you care about is if I can improve your life?
BOB
What do you want me to say?
JUNE
I want you to say you care about me, that your heart
reaches out to me.
BOB
My heart?
FADE TO BLACK
We hear the sound of a heartbeat. Then the sounds of a golf driving range
come up around it.
BOB (VO)
I'm the Tin Man. I have no heart.
FADE UP
33. EXT. GOLF DRIVING RANGE--DAY
Bob and Rick are each driving a bucket of balls.
RICK
What are you talking about?
BOB
We might as well call it off.
RICK
What? The "deal?"
BOB
I tried it your way, I tried it my way, but I just don't
get it.
RICK
Don't worry. No one gets it in the first two dates.
But 53% of all couples make love on the third date.
BOB
No. That's not what I don't get. The problem is I'm
an emotional virgin. I don't have emotions.
RICK
Bob, everyone has emotions.
BOB
Well, I don't.
RICK
Of course you do. You just need to dig them up.
BOB
From where?
RICK
From your heart.
BOB
How do I do that?
RICK
Try drumming, try painting. Just embrace
something. Try dancing around in your underwear.
BOB
(thinking about it a moment)
Drumming?
RICK
Look deep in her eyes. Dance with her. Touch her
face.
BOB
OK. The deal's back on.
RICK
No, let's leave it called off.
BOB
What? The deal? No way.
RICK
I don't want to be around her any more. June toys
with me. She doesn't want my friendship.
BOB
Underneath all her games, you'll find June is very
delicate. It's not easy to make her feel safe.
RICK
How do you do it?
BOB
I'm still learning.
(pause for a beat)
Have you told her that you love her?
RICK
June?!? I don't see how it would come up.
BOB
Have you ever told anyone you love them?
RICK
Sure, all the time.
BOB
I mean when you don't have an erection.
RICK
Oh.
BOB
Rick, you need to tell people that you love them.
34. EXT. STREET--AFTERNOON
Rick stands in front of the same hot dog vending cart as before. The burly
man behind the counter hands him a hot dog.
RICK
(not said like the beer commercial)
I love you, man.
Rick walks away and thinks to himself.
RICK (VO)
That wasn't so hard.
35. INT. BOB'S APARTMENT--AFTERNOON
We hear MUSIC from the opera. Bob is playing a small drum while dancing
around his apartment in sharp convulsive movements. He begins to chant
loudly. He is stripped down to his underwear. Suddenly he stops and stands
upright. He ponders his experience. A quizzical look crosses his face.
36. INT. BUTCHER SHOP--DAY
Rick enters the same butcher shop as before, and again the chime goes ding-
a-ling. Underneath the dialogue we hear MUSIC from the opera.
ROSIE
What can I do for you Rick?
RICK
Rosie...I love you...What do you serve to someone you
like but don't want to get involved with?
ROSIE
What's wrong with her?
RICK
There's nothing wrong with her--we're just going
to be friends.
ROSIE
Friends? Try a beef fondue. It's the most ambiguous
food on earth.
RICK
Beef fondue? That's really nice, Rosie, but it sounds
a little...low-brow.
ROSIE
OK, Mr. Big Shot, why don't you make a big
Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings?
RICK
A turkey dinner...Hmm...OK, I think I will.
ROSIE
All right...
(she gets a turkey and prepares it,
grabbing a large cleaver)
Don't forget to blend with poultry seasoning,
rosemary and sage...Rick?
RICK
Yeah, Rosie?
ROSIE
This woman, the friend--I think you may be
growing up.
RICK
No, Rosie. That'll never happen.
ROSIE
Rick?...
(she gestures the cleaver)
...Don't blow it.
(WHACK! She cuts off the turkey's head)
37. INT. BOB'S KITCHEN--AFTERNOON
With the drum still around his neck, Bob is in his kitchen finger painting.
Bob's painting gets out of hand, soon he is painting his face. We hear MUSIC
from the opera.
38. INT. STUDIO
Suzanne is standing speaking directly to the CAMERA.
SUZANNE (RICK'S EX-GIRLFRIEND #3)
Rick and I got together three months ago. Some of
us went hiking in the Shenandoahs; he carried a
fondue pot, seven different cheeses, French bread,
and a bottle of wine--all in his backpack. It must
have weighed 30 pounds. What a transparent fool--
but a charming fool. He's always ever-so-slightly
on the make.
39. INT. RICK'S APARTMENT--EARLY EVENING (DAYLIGHT)
Rick stands by the front door. He's a bit nervous. Underneath the dialogue
we hear MUSIC from the opera.
RICK
(quietly to himself )
June, you're a good friend and I really love you.
June, you're a good friend and I really love you.
(opening the door)
June, you're a good friend, come on in.
June walks in. She's carrying two large bags of groceries. In one bag we see
a bouquet of flowers.
JUNE
Thanks.
RICK
Hey...I have something to tell you.
June quickly continues to the kitchen. Rick is left standing at the door.
JUNE (OS)
(from the kitchen)
What's that now?
Rick stands by the door and says nothing.
40. INT. STUDIO
FADE UP
June is standing speaking directly to the CAMERA.
JUNE (BOB'S EX-GIRLFRIEND #3)
Bob's different, and that made me think he was deep.
I thought Bob was a treasure chest that had never
been opened, and maybe I had the key. I was wrong.
He's just a big block of wood. We never kissed--he
wouldn't have the guts.
41. INT. BOB'S APARTMENT--EARLY EVENING (DAYLIGHT)
Martha is entering Bob's apartment. They hug--Bob's angel wings flap for a
moment, but then he stops. They kiss.
42. INT. RICK'S KITCHEN--EARLY EVENING (DAYLIGHT)
Rick and June are unpacking and preparing a Thanksgiving dinner. Rick's
still a bit nervous. We hear MUSIC from the opera.
June takes the flowers she brought, puts them in a vase, and begins filling a
vase with water.
JUNE
What time did you tell everyone?
RICK
Seven. So I guess that means 7:30 at the earliest.
The kitchen CLOCK reads 4:15 PM.
JUNE
Good, plenty of time. What was it you wanted to say?
RICK
June, I want to let you know that I...
JUNE
Oh shit!
June turns to the sink, the vase is overflowing. She remedies the situation
and places the vase on the counter between Rick and herself.
JUNE
I'm sorry. Go ahead.
RICK
I want you to know how much I lov...
Rick knocks over the vase. He stops talking and they both watch as it slowly
rolls to the counter's edge then falls. The flowers tumble out as the vase hits
the floor and shatters.
Rick stands there looking at the mess on the floor, then matter-of-factly
says:
RICK
So I briefed Bob on the Third Date rule.
43. INT. BOB'S APARTMENT--EARLY EVENING (DAYLIGHT)
Bob and Martha are lying on the floor face-to-face. Martha is eating ice
cream and Bob is staring at her. He reaches out and touches her hair.
44. INT. RICK'S KITCHEN--EARLY EVENING (DAYLIGHT)
The bruised flowers now sit in an old spaghetti sauce jar filled with water.
Rick is stuffing the turkey.
JUNE
What's the Third Date Rule?
RICK
Most couples make love on the third date.
JUNE
I've never heard that.
RICK
It's true--I read it in a women's magazine.
JUNE
(coyly)
This is our third date.
45. INT. BOB'S APARTMENT--EARLY EVENING (DAYLIGHT)
Bob is touching Martha's face.
46. INT. RICK'S KITCHEN--EARLY EVENING (DAYLIGHT)
Rick is sliding the turkey in the oven.
JUNE
I don't think he'll do it.
RICK
If she means business, he'll be helpless to resist.
JUNE
Bob resists pretty well.
RICK
It will start with some innocent horseplay.
(a blob of cranberry sauce flies across
the room and hits Rick in the face)
Then she'll make some excuse to touch him.
(June gently reaches in and wipes
his face clean)
A thrill will run through his body. He'll notice her
perfume. Their eyes will lock...
Their eyes lock for a long moment. Finally Rick leans to kiss her. She
breaks the gaze and turns away.
JUNE
(weakly)
Bob resists pretty well.
Rick stops her. She turns back and kisses him hungrily.
47. INT. BOB'S APARTMENT--TWILIGHT
Bob and Martha are dancing. She reaches behind his ear and removes a
fleck of finger paint.
48 INT. RICK'S KITCHEN--EVENING
June sits on the kitchen counter. Rick stands leaning into her. They
playfully kiss. June's hands are busy opening a bottle of champagne. The
cork pops and bubbly overflows onto the floor. June tries to pour while
kissing. She spills most if it. Giving up on the champagne and focusing on
Rick, she lets go of the bottle. It rolls around on the counter, spilling as it
goes.
Rick and June slide down onto the floor and out of the frame.
We hold on the kitchen counter for a beat. It's a mess.
49 INT. BOB'S APARTMENT--EVENING
Bob and Martha dance over by the couch. They go down, out of the frame.
After a moment, Bob stands with a quizzical look on his face.
50. INT. RICK'S BEDROOM--EVENING
We follow a trail of food and clothes items from the kitchen to the bedroom.
Rick and June are resting in bed, snuggling almost. In CLOSE UP we see
Rick's eyes are closed and he has a cute smile face, then...
JUNE (VO)
Rick!
RICK
Huh?...
June sniffs the air inquisitively. Rick follows suit.
RICK
Fuck!
51. INT. RICK'S KITCHEN--MOMENTS LATER
Smoke is billowing out of the oven. A pot of potatoes has boiled off all the
water and the last few drops are hissing. Other pots on the stove have boiled
over and are frothing. June and Rick, stark naked, race into the mess.
They shut off the stove and flip open the oven door. A cloud of smoke is
released followed by flames that flare forth.
Rick puts on a pair of oven mitts. June grabs a fire extinguisher.
Rick reaches for the turkey. It is on fire. It burns remarkably well. So well
that his mitts catch fire. He panics and throws the turkey into the trash,
which also ignites.
June sprays the fire extinguisher onto the trash. It's chemical contents
billow up everywhere.
Meanwhile, Rick's mitts are still on fire. He is dancing around. He runs out
into the living room.
June follows behind with the fire extinguisher poised for action.
Then the door bell rings.
The kitchen CLOCK reads 7:07 PM.
We HEAR a door handle unlatching and the creak of a door swinging open.
Vanessa and Dennis enter through the front door.
VANESSA
Hello, anyone here?
They step through the doorway. Vanessa carries a dessert box from
Federico's.
They see Rick standing there, hands on fire, June next to him, extinguisher
in hand. They both are naked--and covered ghost white with fire
extinguisher powder.
VANESSA
(to Dennis)
You're right, we're early.
FADE TO
52. INT. RICK'S KITCHEN--TWENTY MINUTES LATER
The kitchen and dining room about 20 minutes later. Rick and June--both
now dressed--along with Vanessa and Dennis have just about cleaned up the
mess. Rick is lighting a sterno under a fondue pot, while Vanessa dices a
steak into beef cubes. June and Dennis share an awkward moment throwing
burnt food items into the trash.
The doorbell rings.
RICK
(loudly but with embarrassment)
It's open!
We hear the door open and close. After a beat, Bob enters the scene. There's
an awkward moment as everybody looks at each other.
BOB
(excited)
Rick, I need to talk to you.
RICK
(simultaneously with June and with dread)
Bob, I need to talk to you.
JUNE
(simultaneously with Rick and with dread)
Bob, I need to talk to you.
Again, everyone just looks at each other. A beat later Vanessa, while
carrying a platter of beef cubes into the living room, intervenes.
VANESSA
Bob, why don't I talk to you. No, let June tell you.
No, Rick. Bob, you need to talk to Rick.
Everyone followers her to me living room.
BOB
That's what I said.
In Rick's bedroom:
BOB
(closing the door behind himself)
It was fantastic.
RICK
What?...Where's Martha?
BOB
We were dancing and touching.
RICK
And...?
BOB
Then, she pulled me down to the couch and said, "I
want to make love to you."
RICK
Excellent.
BOB
And then I realized exactly how I felt about her.
RICK
Well, tell me!
BOB
I feel she's energetic. Emotional. A little unstable.
Needy. Petulant, selfish, manipulative.
Overbearing...
In Rick's living room:
Dennis, Vanessa, and June grimly and silently fondue their meat.
In Rick's bedroom:
BOB (CONT.)
...I feel she talks too much--way too much. I feel she
takes more than she gives. I feel I'm better off
without her...
RICK
Well...At least you got laid.
BOB
No way--I didn't sleep with her.
RICK
What!?!
BOB
Come on, Rick. Would you sleep with a woman you
didn't love?
RICK
Well, actually...
In Rick's living room:
Dennis, Vanessa, and June's grim fondue continues. Bob and Rick enter.
Rick sits and starts fonduing. Bob stands at a distance.
BOB
June, I need to talk with you.
In Rick's bedroom:
BOB
You want to know how I feel?
JUNE
No. I don't.
BOB
Well, I'll tell you how I feel! I feel like you just
messed up your life and Rick's life and everything
we've been trying to do here. How could you do
this?
JUNE
Don't judge me, Robert.
BOB
What do you see in him?
JUNE
At least he makes me feel attractive, which is more
than anybody else has done in a long time.
In Rick's living room:
Bob and June emerge from the bedroom. Bob joins the fondue. June stands at
a distance.
JUNE
Rick, could I have a word with you?
Rick rises and trudges behind June into the bedroom. Vanessa, Dennis and
Bob share an awkward moment.
BOB
First, she's gonna blame him for embarrassing her
in front of her friends.
JUNE (OS)
(mostly inaudible noises from the bedroom,
except for the last part)
[inaudible, inaudible, inaudible] ...my friends!
BOB (CONT.)
Now, she'll ask him where this relationship is
going...
JUNE (OS)
(inaudible noises from the bedroom)
[inaudible, inaudible, inaudible.]
BOB (CONT.)
...Rick won't know what to say...He'll sweat a
lot...She's about to get disgusted and leave.
June storms out of the bedroom. She closes the door in Rick's face. June and
Rick join the others seated around the fondue.
Everyone just looks at each other. To end the awkwardness, Rick removes the
pot of oil, lifts the sterno, holds it near his mouth a moment.
RICK
God, I hate fondue.
Then, in EXTREME CLOSE UP, he blows out the flame.
LONG FADE TO BLACK
We HEAR the instrumental song from the opera The Triumphing Dance.
FADE TO
TIME WARP:
53. CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS--NIGHT
The opening SERIES OF SHOTS of Vanessa putting on makeup, Bob at the door
with a hot dog, and Rick and Suzanne running down the street speed by.
Only this time it is a NEW ANGLE and a more fluid CAMERA.
54. INT. OPERA HOUSE--NIGHT
On stage is a festive dance scene with a Maypole and streamers. Dido and
Aeneas are laughing and frolicking.
In the audience we see June and Bob. The ANGLE favors June. The music
drops a notch in volume as we hear June's thoughts.
JUNE (VO)
Very playful and romantic--but do they love each
other?
Suddenly we HEAR thunder and the audience is eerily lit up by simulated
lightning.
On stage:
A SORCERER and two WITCHES sing and dance.
SORCERER
(singing)
The Queen of Carthage, whom we hate,
As we do all in prosp'rous state,
Ere sunset shall most wretched prove,
Depriv'd of fame, of life, and love.
In the audience:
We close in on Vanessa to hear her thoughts as the Witches continue to sing.
SORCERER AND WITCHES
(singing)
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
VANESSA (VO)
Fucking gods!
Another lightning bolt and thunder clap strike as we DOLLY from Vanessa to
June, passing over Rick, Suzanne and Bob in between.
On stage:
Aeneas is confronted by one of the Witches dressed as a spirit.
FIRST WITCH
(singing)
Stay, Prince, and hear great Jove's command,
He summons thee this night away.
AENEAS
(singing)
Tonight?
FIRST WITCH
(singing)
Tonight thou must forsake this land,
The angry god will brook no longer stay.
AENEAS
(singing)
Jove's commands shall be obey'd,
Tonight our anchors shall be weigh'd.
But ah! what language can I try,
My injur'd Queen to pacify?
In the audience:
We close in on Rick. The music drops a notch in volume as we hear Rick's
thought's.
RICK (VO)
Get her some flowers and chocolate. That usually
works.
AENEAS (OS)
(singing)
No sooner she resigns her heart
But from her arms I'm forced to part.
FADE TO BLACK
55. INT. THEATRE STAGE--CUTAWAY
FADE UP
On a SERIES OF SHOTS of Bob, June, Rick, and Vanessa, each appearing alone
in front of the closed theatre stage curtain and speaking directly to the
CAMERA. They are dressed in the clothes they wore to the opera. We HEAR
the Witches chorus In Our Deep-Vaulted Cell.
BOB
At the end of Act 1, everything appears to be
perfect.
RICK
It's an illusion.
JUNE
Act 2 will not be kind to the characters.
VANESSA
The gods dip their greedy little fingers in and
destroy everything.
BOB
They tell Aeneas to get back on track and stop
wasting time in Carthage.
JUNE
But they're false gods!
BOB
In the opera, they're false gods. In Virgil, they're
the real gods.
VANESSA
Fucking gods.
RICK
Aeneas is heartbroken. He wants to stay with Dido,
but what can he do?
JUNE
Well, let's see. He could stay. He could be faithful.
He could be committed.
BOB
He is committed, but to his destiny. And Dido is not
part of it.
FADE TO
56. INT. CAFE--NIGHT
We see Rick, just as we left him earlier. We again hear his last line.
RICK
I don't think Aeneas had any choice at all.
(he looks in the direction Suzanne just left)
He was the victim of forces beyond his control.
BOB
Evolution in action.
VANESSA
(to Rick)
He should have stayed.
RICK
That's the way I see it.
JUNE
Do you feel like a victim of forces beyond your
control?
RICK
Me...?
VANESSA
Of course we all are, to some extent.
JUNE
Let him answer.
BOB
Don't feel bad. Pushing buttons is June's hobby.
JUNE
OK, I withdraw the question. It's unpleasant to see
you squirm.
RICK
I'm not squirming.
Rick takes a napkin from their table and dabs it into June's water and starts
blotting the raspberry stain in his shirt.
RICK (CONT.)
Yes, I feel that certain things are beyond my
control.
JUNE
Like the sweet young thing who just walked out?
RICK
Yes. Thank you. Anything else?
(skip a beat)
OK.
Rick puts down the moist napkin and continues on to the bathroom.
VANESSA
Hurry back.
June and Vanessa start laughing as they watch Rick walk away, but
something catches Vanessa's eye. Her attention is drawn across the room, to
a corner booth occupied by a animated couple we can't clearly see. During
the following dialogue, Vanessa keeps looking over to this booth. She
becomes obsessed with it.
BOB
(to June)
You should be ashamed of yourself.
JUNE
I asked a simple question.
BOB
You went for the jugular.
JUNE
I observe, and comment.
57. INT. BATHROOM--MOMENTS LATER
Rick is washing his shirt at the sink. He stares at himself in the mirror--it's
a soul searching moment.
58. INT. CAFE--MOMENTS LATER
JUNE
(to Bob)
You mean you have no interest in romance...?
At this point Vanessa's interest with the other booth is overwhelming. She
zones out from the conversation at her table and focuses on the couple across
the room. The lighting and mood shift as we travel from Vanessa's POV
across the room to the couple at the table. Once there, we discover that the
couple is Dido and Aeneas, and they are reading through the script to their
opera. Vanessa's second hallucination begins.
DIDO
I don't like this part here where I say "To your
promis'd empire fly, And let forsaken Dido die." Can
we change this?
AENEAS
Without it there's no tragedy. The script must be
followed.
Vanessa appears at the table next to them. Dido turns and gives her a warm
smile. Aeneas turns and piercingly looks through her.
AENEAS
Yes!?!
Vanessa is unable to speak. She tries but nothing happens. Her mouth
moves but no sound is made. She becomes scared and turns to flee.
JUNE (OS)
Vanessa, what do you think?...Vanessa?
Her hallucination ends. She is still seated at the table.
VANESSA
Huh?
JUNE
Bob says we can't control how romantic we are.
VANESSA
(with determination)
No, I'm very much in control. My romance is rock
solid. Everyone should be married. Bob, you should
marry June.
BOB
You two are amazing. Listen, I like my life.
(Rick appears next to the table)
Hey, I'm glad you're back. They're ganging up on
me.
RICK
(to the women)
Oh? What's his Achilles' heel?
JUNE
Bob claims he's content to live without love.
Interested, Rick pulls up a seat and joins them.
RICK
Excellent! But what do you do for sex?
(silence fills the table while everyone
looks at Bob, a beat later)
Nothing? No sex?
JUNE
Do you have a problem with that?
RICK
(skip a beat, to June)
I don't think we're going to get along.
LONG FADE TO
...
Oklahoma Theatre Productions
Send comments to nolty_r@caltech.edu
